I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Someone signed my nipple.
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