I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
