last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
