the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
