I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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