Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
