I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
