The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
