girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
