Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
