i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
