I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
