textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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