Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
