so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
