Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
