if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
