Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
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