I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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