Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
