Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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