Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
