I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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