a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
