How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
