I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
