sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
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