Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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