I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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