Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
