Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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