I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I wish there were birth control emojis
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
