Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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