This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
