I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
