I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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