I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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