Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
