Someone shit on the floor
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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