His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize