I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
