I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
