you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Randomize
