I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
