i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
