i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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