Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
