she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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