im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm jealous of your bromance
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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