I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
