My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
