Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize