I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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