She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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