Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
We were destined to go to rehab together
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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