I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
