I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
