come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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