I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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