It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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