I think I died a long time ago.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
