Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
