im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
