I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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