Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
