On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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