Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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