My sheets look like a crime scene.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
