and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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