somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize