I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
