The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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