Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
