Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
